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im back bitches. to hawaii. feels great. even though the monotony has already started to settle, i am 100 percent happier here simply because i am away from bullshit. its like a blinder has lifted from my eyes to show me that everything is the same.

except one thing is different. there is this girl. and then there is me. and then there is this other guy. but that guy is thousands of miles away. but so is she. even though physically she is here. but i like her and she likes me. the other guy has her though because she is in love.

i think life would be so much more simple if people just understood, that in reality, love doesnt exist. it isnt an emotion like some people seem to think. you cant say im so love right now like you can with mad happy or sad. and there really is nothing about love that constitutes that it is real. other than people saying i love you.

there are relationships. and i think people just dub relationships that become intimate as love. but in reality the strongest relationships have no dub. there is just you and another person and you cohere like a 50 page symphony about love. ha

but love.

is unproven.

and labeling a relationship "love" builds a wall to where that relationship will go. it names, it packages it and sends it on its way towards a happily ever after. when a relationship should not only progress your life because the other person adds something to your life, but it shouldnt be packaged in a tight ball of expectations. and relationships definitely should not be labeled.

"this is my number one parent and this is my number two parent. i fight with number two. thats why they are number two. "

i labeled parenthood relationships and ruined any real impact parent number two will have on that child.

i dont know. maybe its the fact that i havent been in an intimate relationship for the past almost 4 years. and the only people i say i love you too and mean it are people that i dont have an intimate relationship with.

but to me love if fake.

the only person who probably actually feels love is God.

another change tonight. i held a girl in my arms for no other reason than she was cold beautiful and definitely giving me the eye. this is a change because the last time i did that i hadnt even graduated from highschool. i think its fair to say it was 3 and a half years ago.

and man do i miss it. being able just to hold a girl. feel their heart beat. know that they are in your arms. i was actually happy. to bad its the same girl from the above explanation of my belief in love.

but do i miss it.

to bad it probably wont happen for another three and a half years. ha

im to awkward when it comes to talking to the opposite sex. its like when you were in grade school and the teacher wrote the letters on the board and you were suppose to write them down. for me, in the instance of girls, when i write it down it comes out in a big tangled ball of scribble.

oh well. im a lone bear anyways. i completely content with eating my hairy ass fat with berries and trout and then sleeping for 3-6 months.

completely content.