maybe its just general unhappiness. but ive been getting more reckless. like i need something big to happen.
i think to hard about things i cant change. and when i think about those things i lose myself in a swirl of whats-if-whose-its?
there are alot of new feelings i have had in the past month that i am not used to. maybe everything is just muddled. i just need to go wipe my memory and start fresh. i feel bogged.
... i hit my two year mark in the military. yay me. i cant wait to for this to be over. i cant wait for my contract to end. this journey has definitely taught me some things. but it is a choice i think would have been better if i did the opposite.
im really done with people though. like interacting with them. faking emotions to fit in. listening to people talk. thats probably the worst. when some ass is talking to you and your looking him in the eye and dismissing everything he says but nod your head in agreement so he will stop sooner. and if you mimic their body language then they will be more comfortable and talk longer. so you have to do the opposite. like turn you torso away form them. or if they are talking with their hands put your hands in your pocket. or if they are leaning on one leg evenly balance you weight on both legs. angle your feet away from them.
when you do that, small talk usually disappears and the conversation will last only a couple sentences.
what i hate most is having to act like i care when somebody talks directly to me. especially when there is a group of people around. it is like your almost obligated to care because otherwise you will look like as ass.
maybe i am just an ass.
id like it alot better if i could have complete control over what, who, where and when the human contact i have through out the day will happen.
like, so i could prep myself.
"alright, at 10:30 this morning i have to go talk to this girl. she is needy and slightly depressed. avoid eye contact and keep everything quick and concise. that way, she cant explain to you her life story about how her gold fish died and she cried when she flushed him down the toilet. and how that could transform in to how she always seems to have to end everything good and watch it be flushed away by her dramatically dismal life." ... who fucking cares. all i needed to ask you was if there was more toner for the printer.
i could have a daily planner and prepare myself for everything. automated interaction. it would be awesome.
thats what i feel like. a robot. except i havent been programed for anything yet. so i just am. no real purpose.
whateves. this blog is to long.
