I Remember when there were times when i wasn't an asshole. when i wasn't broken. when i felt comfortable. but its been so long than i am no longer comfortable being comfortable. i need to not know what will happen next. i need to things to be un planned. unorganized. un-assessed. otherwise I'm just bored.
Today, Yesterday tomorrow ill have the same experiences. brushing my teeth. drinking water. breathing. but the one thing that is and always will be, is the fact that with every day that passes, you are given an opportunity to experience something new.
its not my fault that i want to experience everything.
...
whether I'm successful or not.
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There are a lot of things going on in my life right now. like my dad having a serious surgery on his foot. like my sister getting a new job as a flight nurse on an emergency helicopter. like me getting out of the marine corps. but the biggest thing for me personally is getting over a failed relationship. which is hard for me because its already over, has been for a year, but i don't want to get over it.
but thats what life is. getting over things.
the most difficult thing about it is the fact that i don't want to get over her. so any girl that i would be interested in, if i were in a single mindset, i automatically compare, contrast, and try to fit her to a mold that i think i want. when really, i know what i want can't be molded.
another thing that makes things hard is the fact that i am a recluse, and i am finally realizing the fact that recluses have few friends. i also feel an overwhelming sense of depression. but not in the sense of cut my self, boohoo depression. just the general feeling of not wanting to do anything. and constantly being unhappy. and i experience this in an almost, out of body fashion. like, i watch myself be unhappy.
... fortunately, the friends i do have don't care. they take me however i am and try to let me in their lives. or at least find me a dance floor.
Recently one of my friends got married. to his other half. and selfishly, like always, it made me realize something about myself. the simple fact that i want what he has. to have somebody. but in the past three years I've only soberly opened up to one person.
ill probably need to work on that.
but things are well. not horrible. but not great.
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But, i need to vent. one thing that has been on my mind of late is alcohol consumption. where it has come from. what role it plays in modern society. and how i abuse it to get a sick kind of enjoyment, from what people expect my reaction should be to 'you drank too much last night.'
its like they think i drink not knowing that I'm drinking to get drunk. i remember my first beer. so me having ten in an hour should let you know I'm not there to socialize. which brings me to a point. alcohol is a crutch. if alcohol didn't exist, what would anybody do? the most hardcore extreme orthodox christian family would end up looking like a rock band because without alcohol no one is willing to just be themselves, forget their self conscious tendencies and just have fun. and i say that hypocritically, but its the truth. without alcohol there would be no happy hour, there would be no 'lets meet for drinks', there would no chug! chug! chug!
face it, if you drink, and are a part of modern society, your already an alcoholic. there would be a massive gap in society and everyones lives if they just stopped drinking. we use alcohol like meth heads get high. we do it just to feel like ourselves, or have fun. when really we could do that without alcohol. but with the millions of bars, clubs, and every other popular social functions, alcohol will always hold up people who would otherwise fall all over themselves when put in a club arena with out being inebriated.
but there is one thing alcohol will always be good for, it helps make white men good dancers.
and everything becomes a whole lot easy to laugh at.
... cheers.
