Secluded Recluse

One week before my first 'deployment' as a Marine. Really it is an exercise where I go from port to port documenting a foreign relation joint operation and get drunk. hopefully i don't touch the booze. booze makes me to honest and really, if i am being honest, i have never been honest in my life, other than when i am drunk. But anywho, one week, not only to prepare for a deployment but to say goodbye to people who i will never see again. Currently at the office i work at there are three people who i consider to be three of four of the only friends i have that live on the same island as me. whats worse is the whole mixed emotion scenario when a life changing situation arises and you know it is coming. mixed emotions like love, hate, grudges and doubt. but hopefully nothing seriously damaging happens to ruin those relationships.  

to my earlier post, i still fucking hate the military but i am over whining about it. i could be way worse off and as i have it now, it being life, it is pretty good. although i am unbelievable lonely. to the point where i day dream about meeting someone who would go out of there way for me. someone other than my immediate family and someone who isnt already married. i have a bad habit of becoming great friends with women i could never be with, but oh well.

i also realized that my efforts in any form or fashion to remedy the problems with my family are for not. they are more fake and crazy than i am. they are impossible. 

I think as i live and become older i have more realizations that putting an effort to change something is useless because you cant change everything and you cant change time. Explaining the part about you cant change everything, people are stubborn but something that is rock solid are ideals and to change an ideal would be the equivalent of what hitler tried to do to the jewish culture. Explaining the part about you cant change time, time changes everything on its own and to its own accord. to change time would be to change the fabric of the universe. and why you would want to change time would be to alter the affects someone's efforts to change something would be. in short the time machine hasnt been invented yet so there for you cant change time. All this makes me unmotivated to do anything and makes me nostalgic for the days when i have five and didnt have to worry about change. not that i remember my childhood o just doubt i was worried about change.

but anyways, i need a girl. somebody i can be vulnerable in front of and not feel embarrassed and not feel judged. basically someone who could love me. that is unlikely though. especially considering i have a tendency to fuck everything up that has the potential to be important to me. thats why i dont care about anything. 

But that is it for this day in Colby's life. heres to you, my none existent audience, whom i love dearly.