Anxious / Avoidant

dealing with depression is something I have become accustomed to, but I'm still not O.K. with. 

   But dealing with it has far more beneficial consequences than not dealing with it. 

yet, there remain things i haven't overcome. for example, my interactions with the female sex. the human gender i find myself enamored with, and appalled by. women are the most beautiful things in this world, and the most confusing. and i find myself in a position which warrants some explanation. 

   i was diagnosed with severe clinical depression with suicidal tendencies. That was three years ago. After a suicide attempt and DUII. all of which led to an exploration of my own mind. where i found out about the things that bother me and the things that give me joy. 

one of the things that gives me joy is being around a woman who is fulfilling, both by being physically attractive and more importantly, by me being able to relate to her. but ...

   here is where the definition of the title comes in. i am avoidant of relationships with any merit, and anxious around any woman i find attractive. this brings me to a stalemate, where finding women — who are open to friendship, but are in a relationship — is what i seek. that kind of woman is safe. that kind of woman can be my friend, but i never risk the potential of being emotionally hurt because an intimate attraction is never possible. 

or so i thought ... 

   i now know that it is impossible to be a single man, with my paradigm of longing to be wanted, to effectively be friends with a woman of whom I am attracted to, who is in a relationship. 

for almost my entire collegiate academic career i have been infatuated with a woman who is the funniest girl i know. but she has also had a boyfriend during all of that time. i thought to myself that i could just be friends with here, but it also happens that she is insanely attractive. i was able to ignore that. until summer break of last year, where we didn't say or text a word to each other. i should have known then ... 

school starts this year, i see her, i avoid her, cause i know what i feel. she has a boyfriend, and i have no business with her while carrying the feelings i do toward her. but she invites me to her table in class, and there is really no possible way to resist. so for the next three months i torment myself with the fact that i am completely fallen for this woman and she is completely committed to another guy. 

so i say to myself ...

just become friends with her boyfriend

yeah right!? ... right?

well i tried anyways. and now with the term over i still haven't told her how i completely feel, but i told her i couldn't be around her anymore cause i have feelings for her. when those feelings are ripping me apart, both by me wanting her to be with me, and by the fact all i do is cause undue stress in her life. 

     it all goes back to the anxious / avoidant title of this blog. i knew from the beginning that i was attracted to her. but i spent the better part of two years fooling myself into thinking that it was a good idea to become friends with here, when all that did was intensify the attraction i have toward her. and really i knew all along it would end like this, because having it end like this is much easier to deal with than if i were to be in a relationship with her and then she decide to leave me. and honestly i would rather deal with this circumstantial emotional pain, than the real pain of breaking ties with someone i love. 

all while single girls, who i am attracted to and outwardly show they are attracted to me, pass me by.

     i don't get myself, how can i pass single girls by — of whom are attractive — while spending my time getting to know a girl in a committed relationship. of which i never want to interrupt. 

i don't know whether to resign myself to being a single man for the rest of my life, living as a hermit, or to step out and risk being hurt emotionally. the obvious answer is to put myself out there, but i some how sabotage myself into falling for a taken woman, before i consider any single women. 

   and it must be said, i have abstained from sex for the better part of four years. one night stands and meaningless sex is a completely different topic. one of which i never wish to venture into again. 

     i know i have feelings for the woman of focus, but i have no wish to cause her anything but joy — which doesn't include home wrecking. and while there are plenty of women i can talk to or entertain the idea of becoming intimate with, i stop myself before i begin. 

thus, is the long winded definition of a male, who is anxious / avoidant toward intimate relationships.   

history and politics

shame
regret 

they aren't the same

but politics and history are

power makes money, but money does not make power 

a.k.a Hillary Clinton vs Donald Trump

this is the setup of failing america
broken states, making up a broken country
making up a broken national community

faggots, niggers, bible thumpers, weak women, illegal mexicans, terrorists, muslims, male white privilege, etc.

   These hot words, trigger words, are used to cause conflict in mass media. not to offend as they were originally used in american history. these words need to become definition-less. they are words. not actions. not stereotypes. words. and the fact that they command such a response means the definitions of these words are being manipulated to mean much more than they actually do. 

words are air, mixed with vibration. actions act on reality. one of those means much more in a life and death situation. complacency makes them equal. 

political and historical change happen at the same time. 

and generational 'hot words' correlate with each major generational change. 
... this generation's hot words are more diverse than ever. 
mimicking that of roman, old english, old french, and old british empires. 
all of which fell at a correlation point, where society was most 'triggered,'

america offends itself daily; america eats itself alive daily. the most similar empire by comparison is the roman empire. and also by comparison, america is on the verge of collapse. or more accurately, the american society is collapsing. 

the identity of america, and americans, does not exist. you are your heritage; irish, german, african, asian, whatever ... but never just american. while these are just words, they are an affect of illicit segregation. created by an environment where regular use of 'hot words,' are the instigation of segregation.  

why can't americans identify with each other like other countries do? 
why can't american mean, currently an american citizen, instead of the requirement of putting a modifier in front of it like irish or african. especially when almost every ancestry, with the exception of native american, has resided in north america for the same amount of time. 

because hot words, used by politicians, applied to history, to make you think that identifying as a nation ruins your individuality. when it doesn't. it creates a community of individuality. of which america needs. 

dramatic eccentricities

i am alone

I long for things

not for myself

but for life

like unity

like justice

like compassion

but those things

are for not

i find myself 

in a hatred between 

myself

and all others

and i find no 

place

for that

killing myself 

i have tried

and i found 

it fruitless

because death has no fruit

it has no reality

so I live 

to bring reality

to those who live

It is simple

exist and you are

exist no more and you aren"t 

until God sees fit 

but while existing

love with the utmost ability 

like Jesus 

until you are unfit 

and then die

love is the only undeniable 

truth of Christ 

and if you aren"t

BLIND

it is the only 

truth 

of 

this 

age

love

as Jesus love the 

harlot

love as Jesus love 

faggot

love as Jesus love 

the politicians 

and peace 

will 

find you

Republican vs. Democrat

i think Trump will win. 

i think Hillary will win. 

I'm not gonna vote.

... there's a presidential Election!?

Politics, its an outdated subject. When the world wasn't at your fingertips, as it is now, but it was at an eye's glance; when it was actually important to see someone talk in person, because if you didn't, you missed it for all eternity...that's when politics were important.  

Now, though, even if someone is on a cruise in New Zealand, they will have Wifi access to watch some trivial political debate in D.C. 

Times have changed since the constitution of the United States of America was written. people care, about trivial things, and don't care about the important things. The generation of now, which consumes every person with a cell phone, has lost the ability to see into the long term. beg you, i'll show an example:

native american genocide 

or ...

conquest of an unconquered land?

You could say that America was the last place on earth to be conquered by shear brutality. Or, it was only the beginning of a new reign of injustice... by force was the way, both by europeans and native americans, and europeans won. given, europeans had just stepped away from a battle of which resembled that of the native americans... i presume to say conquest of an unconquered land. 

the statement above is definitely offensive, but not untrue. both by opinion and by fact. never so has a continent been so invaded by an outward force after the americas. 

so ... where does this leave politics?

well, the written rule for everything in D.C. (a.k.a. american politics) was mandated at that time, or before that time. which was the last great conquest on earth. no other continent since has been overtaken. so ... why do we abide by the same rules as before. 

power of thought ... so maybe, just maybe, a new reign of injustice has began for those whose ancestors were the last 'conquistadors.'