I'm the sound guy on the revered day.
Sunday, April 20, 2014
a girl
for brevity's sake, i'm the only one who will know who i am talking about so i will use her name. Emile. not her last name though cause that would be pretty uncourteous.
But i met her through an online dating website. we hung out a couple times. spent some intimate time together. and now she is on her way to different things. but she gave me one thing that most are afraid to give themselves, and that is honesty.
the time we spent together was short. and i wouldnt say she became overly fond of me. but to be fair, her plate is full with life and taking on a new person with baggage enough to fill the cargo hold of a 747 would be in abundance of ignorant ambition.
i see her every where i go, though. i think about her. i dream about her. i wouldnt say im in love with her. but then, i wouldnt say i have a complete understanding of what it is to be in love. she didnt meet what i had set as my standards for the type of girl i want.
but that is the exact reason she attracts me so much.
she is unapologetically fierce in expressing who she is and what she wants. at least she was with me. there were no eggs to be stepped on around her. her ambitions drove her to carry an ambivalence toward the things that had nothing to do with her goals. yet she let her natural impulses drive her day to day. she was real. and she was honest.
i wont go into detail about her personal life, or any real details about her other than what i shared. but she gave me what i have been wanting so badly. objective honesty. albeit, her opinionated personality could sometimes plow right over me. but in the end i knew it was honest. honest from her view.
i told her my story. the things i have done. suicide and everything. and instead of offering a tit to suckle on and swaddling me, she held out her hand and gave mine a firm shake. its weird to state it that way. but i think its metaphorically accurate.
due to life, she has asked me to cease and desist contact. of which feels similar to amnesia. i feel like i finally remembered something but forgot it again. and of course i dont want her to exit my life. but i dont think i am in a position to tell people how to live their own life when mine consists going from one stepping stone to the next. so i must abide. even though i want nothing but to be around her.
but in the short time i spent with her, she has influenced me greatly. i look up to her. i want more people like her to fall into my life, just as she did. and i want to be able to give people what she gave me.
its weird to think about relationships. you pick a person, and then you spend time with them. you could pick anybody in the world, but you end up picking the same type of people to surround yourself with. Emile wasnt the type of person i surround myself with. but she is exactly what i wanted. and although she doesnt want to continue the relationship we had, in the short time we got to know each other she made a honest impression on me. and a valid and verifiable change has taken place in my perspective of how i interact with people.
and i am taking what she gave to me. i guess, a life lesson about how to breath honesty in the same air where other people may be breathing courteousness or manners. im not saying im going to run around with my middle finger in the air.
im just saying that the honesty Emile gave me was freshening. although some what cold, it let me experience the brisk mental feeling of clarity of thought. like she respected me enough to tell me what she really thought instead of telling me what she thought i needed to hear.
and honestly, i miss her already.
But i met her through an online dating website. we hung out a couple times. spent some intimate time together. and now she is on her way to different things. but she gave me one thing that most are afraid to give themselves, and that is honesty.
the time we spent together was short. and i wouldnt say she became overly fond of me. but to be fair, her plate is full with life and taking on a new person with baggage enough to fill the cargo hold of a 747 would be in abundance of ignorant ambition.
i see her every where i go, though. i think about her. i dream about her. i wouldnt say im in love with her. but then, i wouldnt say i have a complete understanding of what it is to be in love. she didnt meet what i had set as my standards for the type of girl i want.
but that is the exact reason she attracts me so much.
she is unapologetically fierce in expressing who she is and what she wants. at least she was with me. there were no eggs to be stepped on around her. her ambitions drove her to carry an ambivalence toward the things that had nothing to do with her goals. yet she let her natural impulses drive her day to day. she was real. and she was honest.
i wont go into detail about her personal life, or any real details about her other than what i shared. but she gave me what i have been wanting so badly. objective honesty. albeit, her opinionated personality could sometimes plow right over me. but in the end i knew it was honest. honest from her view.
i told her my story. the things i have done. suicide and everything. and instead of offering a tit to suckle on and swaddling me, she held out her hand and gave mine a firm shake. its weird to state it that way. but i think its metaphorically accurate.
due to life, she has asked me to cease and desist contact. of which feels similar to amnesia. i feel like i finally remembered something but forgot it again. and of course i dont want her to exit my life. but i dont think i am in a position to tell people how to live their own life when mine consists going from one stepping stone to the next. so i must abide. even though i want nothing but to be around her.
but in the short time i spent with her, she has influenced me greatly. i look up to her. i want more people like her to fall into my life, just as she did. and i want to be able to give people what she gave me.
its weird to think about relationships. you pick a person, and then you spend time with them. you could pick anybody in the world, but you end up picking the same type of people to surround yourself with. Emile wasnt the type of person i surround myself with. but she is exactly what i wanted. and although she doesnt want to continue the relationship we had, in the short time we got to know each other she made a honest impression on me. and a valid and verifiable change has taken place in my perspective of how i interact with people.
and i am taking what she gave to me. i guess, a life lesson about how to breath honesty in the same air where other people may be breathing courteousness or manners. im not saying im going to run around with my middle finger in the air.
im just saying that the honesty Emile gave me was freshening. although some what cold, it let me experience the brisk mental feeling of clarity of thought. like she respected me enough to tell me what she really thought instead of telling me what she thought i needed to hear.
and honestly, i miss her already.
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