Don't be disconcerted by the title. Read my thoughts, understand my reasoning, and realize you probably need to kill yourself too.
My self loathing has become something of habit. Each day i think about something i want to do, have done, or will do in the future and i hate myself for it. I analyze the essence of those things and realize its nothing i want to be a part of, but yet i still participate, resulting in the inevitable outcome of hating myself. everyday this happens. And each day it becomes easier to reason with the thought of suicide.
... but such a waste. to think of ending one's own life is essentially the same as to end tangible existence as a whole because there is no general understanding of the after life, so if you end your life you end your individual paradigm and understanding of the world. so to kill myself would be to say i give up on everything. even the things that bring me the most happiness and joy, like love, like stalking an elk during a hunt, like forgetting everything with enjoying family and just laughing.
but im still going to kill myself. i going to end my life as i know it. even if the people who care about me most object. because im done with this monotonous unhappiness that is a result of my self loathing.
"'...i encourage you to kill yourself, especially if it's something you think about. but by no means kill your physical being. kill the things about yourself that cause you the most unhappiness. kill those things, and start new. kill those things and forget the torment that is brought by clinging to what you know.'" - Archies Final Project, the movie.
so my heart wont stop beating. so my diaphragm wont stop pulling air into my lungs. so my brain wont stop connecting electric currents that create my thoughts.
but i am killing myself.
there are too many things that happen every single day, in each life on this earth, to say that my unhappiness is worth ending that, for outcome of potential experiences of everyone else. but the things i hate about myself need to end. I want them to end. its essentially the reason i live right now, is to make those things end. so i am going to.
piece by piece i am going to kill myself. so i can start a revolution in my own psyche to value the things i value and realize that it is my own choice to hang onto the things that make me so unhappy. so unjoyful. so uncontent. so im killing myself. to the literal meaning of the word except my physical being will not stop operating. and after i kill myself i can gain anew the values that bring me happiness. that bring meaning to my life. and from there i can build a life that means more than hating the existence i live in.
to this point i challenge all my readers to analyze their self, analyze their unhappiness, analyze their finite life and realize that killing yourself is the most beautiful thing you can do.
It's meaning is to take what you have learned throughout your life, apply it, and create yourself anew.
so i am going to kill myself.
to the very marrow that runs in my bones i am going to kill myself.
because, not only do i want this, but the people who care about me, to the people in my life, you deserve a Colby Brown who doesn't place his self loathing thoughts above all else.
and although the the thought itself is morbid, the act is essential to creating a progressive reality. changing yourself according to the experiences you have had. essentially capitalizing on the amount of life you have already lived so the remainder of your life is better.
unhappiness equated to the amount of expectations that arent met. once you expect an outcome, your essential needs and wants become intertwined with what you expect to experience.
To give and example is, you go to mcdonalds and eat a mcdouble. If you have a set amount of expectations, they aren't going to be met because as humans we expect more than we can deliver on. So despite the amount of flavor and information sent through your taste buds and the amount of elation your body wants to have from the act of eating a delicious hamburger, your expectations draw your psyche away from the experience and make you want something that would, in no situation, be tangible. If instead you just enjoyed the ketchup, the meat, the cheese, the bun, the pickles, then happiness would be as simple as looking at a mcdouble.
but yet, so many people dont take this paradigm of the negative effects of expectation and apply it.
This essentially is the reasoning behind why i have self loathing and why i am killing myself.
and why i encourage you to do so as well.
its time to drop the expectation that your life should be better and realize that your life has never been better.
to live a life where meeting expectations of external happiness is a necessity is more of a waste than to kill your physical being.
