Seeing people you once knew but dont really know anymore is kind of a weird experience. but then again so can seeing people you see everyday. its really just context.
so i am back to living where i did a while ago. its pretty much the same. but the people are different. same with me. but to an extent i guess that doesnt really matter. it's just the kind of effect how changed a person is that determines if it truly means anything. like a person could leave home to a restaurant with out their family eat and come home and not need dinner anymore, but their family still would. in the end though, they all ate.
its kind of that for me. learning how to be sensitive to how hungry people are is the hard part.
~ just a point of interest for anyone who smokes wishes to smoke or has smoked, it is very hard to quit. its not just the nicotine either. its more of the habit that makes it difficult. i guess they could make a new mental disease like restless leg syndrome and call it restless smoker hand syndrome and make up some crazy drug that is really just a placebo. make billions while helping people quit. ... oh, wait.
bacon and eggs are really good. i probably cook that the most. but my menu is a sparse two item list so thats not saying much. but what is so amazing about bacon and eggs is that you can't exactly screw it up. even if you cant crack an egg properly, you never really notice if there is shell in an egg. and its not even that bacon and eggs taste that good, its the simple salty, burnt, meaty smell that engulfs the whole house after a plate of bacon is cooked up. I'm not totally sure how Mr. Bacon invented bacon, but i thank him.
job hunting is kind of an adventure. there are times when your stressed, times when your happy, times when you seem kind of lost and times when nothing really makes sense. which doesnt make sense because you always end up with the same thing, even if you don't get the job you want, you end up with a group of people you tolerate doing something you can tolerate doing for ten hours a day for a tolerable amount of compensation. it would make more sense if a person could be more tolerable of their emotions when seeking employment.
coming home also has this other aspect which has confounded me, and that is loneliness. not a bad kind of loneliness, but the kind of feeling you get when you start hanging out with a new group of people and you still dont quite know anyone but they still want you around. but your still lonely cause they are still pretty much strangers.
i miss music, i miss doing something during the day, i miss the friends i made, i miss the beach, but im back in a place that i missed when i had all of those things. one thing i still miss from home is the mountains, the forest, the solitude of listening to wind sing through pine needle twenty feet above your head, how fresh the air feels, how crisp everything operates. but that is a simple fix, one that takes a couple hours to fix. i just need my car.
i think what brought me back to oregon hasn't shown itself to me. but all i know is that i can say i feel joyful to be back. which makes everything good. i dont really know what it is either.
