not because i am "deployed." not because i am in a foreign country where i know no one. not because i am depressed. i am just lost.
i was walking to the px and i looked up, away from the ground, and saw the beach and the endless ocean with its impossible amount of water, fish and life. i wished i was out there by myself, with no one except myself a boat and a fishing lure. i feel that way alot. wanting to be secluded. separated from humanity. a slave to nothing. and a servant to my needs.
when i was out in the field i thought about how easy it would have been just to take off running perpendicular to the direction my platoon was hiking and forever become an MIA lost in the okinawan japanese jungle. i could have survived. embraced my primal side and became a feral human living off the land. ... but i didnt. and that is why i am lost.
i hate this life. this monotony of things that dont matter. this ritual of pleasing yourself and then trying to please everyone. this fucking game where NO ONE wins. every one is a loser. no matter how much success a person can have they will still die alone and live alone in death.
fuck it though.
while i am here might as well make a use of myself. it is just hard to play a game you dont know the rules to and dont know how to cheat at. i have so much hate for everything.
what if society were backwards and hate was the equivalent to happiness. i would be the most successful person in the world. FUCK.
oh well what matters, matters and what doesnt, doesnt. no one can change that.
i have decided that while in the Marine Corps i will become a blob. a conforming idiot who will yell YES CORPORAL to any command and try to achieve my mission the best i can. i mean thats what i am supposed to do as and Lance Cooly isnt it?
maybe i just havent lived enough to realize the beauty of everything but for the fifth of a century that i have been on this planet, everything seems futile.
i feel like a borg from star trek.
resistance is futile.
oh well. oh well. oh well.
i cant wait to get on ship. i am never going to sleep. i am going to become a ship rat and follow other other rats on boat while they go exploring the lower decks.
i am claustrophobic. and i cant stop thinking that a chinese sub is going to sink the boat i am on and i will be stuck in the lower decks searching for pockets of air before i drown.
this is a really dark blog.
i miss the simplicity of shooting a pellet gun at a can for 12 hours and then falling alseep.
DO WORK SON.
