lost in south central afghanistan

i'm walking down the corridor of hawaii's international airport thinking to myself 'is this still the fucked joke that it initally was, or have i convinced everyone it's truth?'

Then i hungged good-bye and watched another person fly out of my life. although this situation was a little perennial to what i am used to.

all my life, i have been the observer. the kid on the outside looking in. not trying to fit in because you cant observe something you are a part of. so when it falls to be to be a part of something, i find myself to have sociopathic tendencies. thus the meaning to the first paragraph.

is it a heightened state of mind that causes deep thought or the lack of minding. see, i dont give a fuck about much. i care about impressing myself, i care about food and i care about the person i maybe in love with at the point in my life. but in the last five years of my life i found that it is easy for me to drop everything and move on to something new. but i always find myself thinking about things way to much.

for instance in the act of going to a mess hall, eating ans leaving. things that usually pass thought through my head consist of: i wonder where the silverware was made? do the people who make it ever think about the impact they make on peoples lives? because without silverware we'd be the same a primates. are people watching me, judging me? good, it means im important enough to be thought about when i walk into a room? does everything think as much as i do? whats going through the average persons head on the evryday basis?

The point of this isn't to pad my self-esteem. its to prove the point that i observe. instead of recognizing aquiantences, i keep to myself and pondering the meaning of life. but i by no means think my self higher than any other man. which perplexes me.

but the point of this rant to beg the question of differences between personal perspectives on reality. a mechanic may not have a college degree but he much more intelligent in the ways on combustable motors than say a medical doctor and visa verca. this example goes the same with life in general. different people different experiences. Two people can go to the same event, an execution of a murderer, but their experiences can be completely different. one could be the mother of the murderer and the othe the mother of the victim. since this is true then why is it so important in american society to achieve in others peoples eyes when the only thing that really matters is to achieve for yourself.

call it selfishness, or insolence or whatever the cae maybe. but one thing i know is that i dont give a fuck what anyone thinks. i know that my perspective is looked down upon. but i just proved everyone who looks down upon that perspective wrong.

The Superfluous

It's like everyone is addicted to crack, but they don't want to admit it.

There is a point i have reached in my life where playing the role i thought i wanted to live has become boring to me.

It's almost as if the world around me left me for a second and in that short time i saw how needless every monetary and emotional want i have witnessed is.

To live you need ambition, with out that you have died before drawing your last breath. with ambition comes the choice to leave things and to take things. The decision of the later defines how ambitious you really are. I have chose that with nothing in the instance of materialism, the expirence of everything i do will become tripled in it's meaning. Not only to me but to those i incounter.

If i have no personal ties to the things i do, then their success is inevitable. Because it won't be my success but some one elses. There is no need to make a name for yourself or be accepted or to have a since of achievement. The only need is the simple fural needs of water food and shelter. Everything else man has created to validfy his existence is superfluous.

In fact this blog is superfluous.

But it is where i annouce to myself the feelings of a moment so i can get on with my life and never feel the same thing again.

"I exist therefore i am" is a statment of a uneducated poppy smoking gypsy who had the privledge of being historically documented.

I exist therefore my need of anything else is not.

Expirences in life will come undoubtedly. But the manner in which to live them shouldnt be greedy.

If you spend your money young, drive as fast as you can, make decisions on a whim and never look behind you, when you do go to draw your last breath there will be a fullfillment money, relationships, and reknown will never be able to offer. It will be one of ownership on the one thing that is truly yours and that is your life.

If you endeavour to amass that which man has historically always tried to, i.e., money. power, women and reknown, then you will end up asking yourself the same question everyone else has before they died. "did i make an impact" "was my life good" "do people know my name," essentially asking the opinion of what your peers think of your accomplishments. When really the only opinion you should be concerned about is your own.