Pain

the rain of little needles on your skin,

      after falling on shards of glass.

the searing jarr of a blade against your neck.

the aftermath of a slice from a piece of paper,

      between your fingers.

the crush, after being rid of by your crush.

the hardening and crumbling, 

      after being left by the one you love.

the point blank range.

the hollow barrel, up to a bullet,

      cocked loaded, but never goes off.

the searing, sizzling of your own flesh; 

      in a circle around the temple.

the emptiness of life alone.

the unseen fortitude of those who have ...

... pain.

no one likes to talk about it. 

no one likes to bring it up. 

no one likes to face it. 

but anyone who denies it is a fool. 

Pain is what connects us all. not joy. not happiness. not being loved. but pain. 

As a human race, and as the dominant species of the planet, we have done a fuck all job of up-keeping the only source of life we know we have in the universe. and because of our arrogance we now face challenges not from our own trivial turmoils of race, ethnicity and property; but we now face nature. and as we try as we might, we will never stop the bleaching of corral reefs, the wildfire of forest, or the extinction of species. 

which brings me to a point. Humans inherently have a self importance that allows such a dominion over all of earth. but from the bible, to the koran, to secular evolutionary theories. -- human dominion is conceptually not true. we have no control over anything in the form of natural disasters. Just go to www.darpa.mil and see that any attempt to control the world has ended in failure. Read the bible or the koran and see that historically, we have no dominion. 

all we have, together as a human race, is pain. we think we know everything. we think we know the solution, we egomaniacally apply ourselves to the world around us. with no forethought. and thus we cause ourselves pain. 

as a human race we can't even stop to recognize that the earth is on a tilt toward the sun; which creates all of the habitable places on earth. and the simple fact that we have rocketed off countless objects and numerous nuclear explosives have off-place that tilt beyond equilibrium. and since, we have been running from natural disaster, to natural disaster looking for a cause.  

when we are the cause... we are the cause of our own pain. 

we cause each others pain

we cause ourselves pain

we cause our progeny pain 

This isn't a hippy plea: When have you gone a day without judging someone else based off their beliefs?

all from the arrogance of thinking we're some how special in this vast universe. It makes me think of some bible verse that correlates to "man was made in the image of God." When a simple sock is made in the image of man. no human can or ever will understand what or who God is. God, in all respects of religion, has a characteristic of love the resounds among every single community of faith. but to center that love only on humanity is a farce. and is selfish. so too is to say you understand God's love. no one does. including the writer of this post.

no one is special. we are all equivocally independent. meaning ... no one is more different than the other. you are born, you are, and then you die; just like everyone else. no one needs or deserves a special label.  

Thus is arrogance + ignorance at its core. and is what is , its driving the human race six feet under. 

why i chose not to be black

first a story ... from real life

when i was in the marine corps, i lived in the barracks. my first roommate (and only roommate i had) was a black guy by the last name Alexander (first name omitted cause he is cool). he joined open contract and ended up in the postal section. for those of you who don't know, military base post offices are ran by military service. with that, every single thing you can think of is ran by military on a military base, but the only difference is the uniform.

But anyways, I lived with Alexander for about a year. and they guy was awesome. during field day (mandatory weekly cleaning) he would cover for me if I had to work. he continually asked me to go to barbecues and parties with him, but i had to decline due to my job (combat correspondent). he was awesome. he listened to a lot of lil wayne, which is one of the reasons why i got into lil wayne.

But then, I met a guy who was visiting, who also happened to be a spouse of a coworker, and we had something in common ... drinking and pool. so this guy comes to pick me up at the barracks, and i had just finished a shower. I had beers in the fridge so i text, come to my room and chill with my roommate. beers are in the fridge.

I walk out of the bathroom half clothed to find my roommate and my guest starring each other to the ground. While i finish dressing, they speak words at each other. and then i hear ....


"Boy, what work do you do, boy? did you work on a farm, boy? what, you don't like to have a white man talk to a colored boy like that, boy? you want to do something about it colored boy?"


at that time i ushered my guest out of our room, closed the door, and we went to the bar. it is also at that time i realized that racism still exists. i feel guilt for not standing up for my roommate, but my guest was also 100 pounds heavier than me, pure muscle. but the experience is still fresh whenever i interact with someone of color. after that my roommate requested to move rooms, and i deployed.

needless to say, my naivety about racism was squashed at that moment.

that's why, when i was in my mother's embryonic sack, i decided to be white. for the privileges ... oh yeah, thats right. it was never a choice.

I never understood racism. just like now, i don't understand homophobia or choice of religion, or choice of ideals. I, as an individual, never have had any impact on whether someone was black, or gay, or muslim. so being adamantly against something against my beliefs doesn't make logical sense. i can do nothing about it.

for the record, i am christian. and i believe the bible. and i believe jesus is my savior. but a strong belief i hold that goes along with the bible is that no man can condemn another. which leads me to be confounded by present day politics about essentially everything.

how can someone say that something, someone else is doing, is wrong, when no one in the history of man has ever conquered the golden idiom of love your neighbor as you love yourself? the only one to do that was jesus, but even he was god sent as man.

so, i am still confused to the history of man. how can hate perpetually exist if the ideals that every sect of human is the pursuance of good. how can racism still exist with the vast amount of scientific knowledge. why aren't racist technically accurate and becoming activist against ape sanctuaries (which would make scientific sense because all humans are 99 percent genetically alike but apes are like 97 percent a like or whatever). nothing really makes sense.

but at least, when both of my white parents conjugated to make me, i had the choice to become a white male in america. otherwise, id be screwed.

Why I applied to go to Mars

If someone asked me if I wanted a one way trip to Mars, I would say yes. This has been my mind set for more than 10 years. And if I'm really being honest; ever since I can remember.

Before I exude my wanting to leave this planet for another, let me trace some history.

NASA photo

... a pop, then a spark. followed by the crackle of flames hungrily eating away a half charcoaled log of pine. the scent of a campfire wafts through the air surrounding the light produced by the fire. small, still-red-hot pieces of ash drift into the air. following the ghostly outline of smoke trailing up high into the air.

   beside the fire, a small, blonde headed kid looks up. the nape of his neck rests on the back of his chair and his neck sprains backward. he squints as he shines a flashlight through the smoke. He traces the trail of spent carbon as far as he can with the light from his electric candle. until it feels like he is shining his light on the stars themselves. then he shuts off his flashlight. he gazes at the massive quantity of small, but definable little dots in the sky. he wonders whats up there, and what it would be like to wander up there.

NASA photo

I'm a romantic. I like theatrics when they can be enjoyed by all. and one thing that has continued to be romantic to me has been looking at the stars. trying to count them with a encircled hand up to my eye. trying to spot a satellite passing by. or even, on a good night, the slower moving international space station. it's a pure passion. the indefinite amount of view from a dark, clear sky into the abyss makes everything else fall away. It's like looking into the eyes of a woman i'm in love with. it's romance.

I have, and always will be, enamored with the stars. with space. with the unknown. the only 'terrestrial' thing equivalent is actually aquatic, at the bottom of the ocean. But I can't stare at the bottom of the ocean.

NASA photo

I want to know whats up there. not in any real tangible sense. Like extraterrestrial life, or different ecosystems of different planets, or even the simple question of is there anything else out there. I want to know whats up there in the sense of going to a new city, and walking around just to look at stuff. in the sense of going to a neighborhood you've never been to and checking out everybody's front lawns. everybody's home. how they make it their home. just to look at it. like driving by lights on Christmas eve.

The question of would you leave everything behind for an unnguaranteed trip to the unknown comes up whenever i talk about this. and yes, i would. i would leave the possibility of being in a successful band. the microscopic chance that the woman im in love with would want me back. the future experiences with my family and friends. any and all of the unknown that life on this planet has to offer. i would leave.

it isn't out of any circumstantial, environmental, emotional, or psychological escape. because in my mind, i wouldn't be escaping. i would be traveling to the most unknown, the most uncertain experience my life could ever have the chance to offer. and that is too beautiful a thing to pass up.

NASA photo

if there is ever one materialistic, human-made thing i witness in my life the really means anything, i hope its space travel. and successful travel to mars. and i will always dream of being a direct and immediate part of it.