love life lost to love

 a big trip to Pittsburgh to meet her family and cement my self in her life

a drink wont hurt my chances of making a good impression on her family

we've prepped already, tickets reserved, bags nearly packed 

minds looking forward to the tumultuous greeting 

of family who love the one i love, and likewise 

a drink wont hurt its just a couple days away

i make way for her and she makes way for me

but

she divides a piece of herself 

i drink

cuts it away from herself

i drink

dissects it away from herself 

i drink

for me

but a drink wont hurt

there are too many things going on for people to notice

i drink anyway, because it makes me not hurt

even though when i wake up the hangover hurts my body

it feels good because it stays me from reality

a drink wont hurt her though

she is immune to collateral 

immune to emotional lateral

immune to my 

emotions

but she said im worth it

she said im worth it

she said im worth it!

... she actually said im worth it.

im worth it

what a useless sentence 

unless some one else says it

my existence broken in half

one wants to drink 

into oblivion

one wants to engulf my entire self  

to exist in her

and a small part of me 

wants to die

i havent known love for so long

its not just foreign

its offensive

and she offends me

so, so

often

she picks apart 

the tattered ruins 

of my thoughts

bludgeons through

my deep crept of deceits

and holds my hand 

through the maze of mine own

but a drink wont hurt 

i just need to loosen the wheels

of my ugly 

of my hidden

which roll over 

her head

crushing 

everything she ever did

yet she always rises

zombie like

christ like

to live again

and deep inside 

i know

my run 

is running thin

but i cant forget 

about her 

she dominates me

and even though i welcome it

because i know she is better then me

i just need one more drink

to forget 

everything  

before 

her

Celestial

- how can you describe a feeling that is more complex than words, more complex than complete thoughts, more than the complexity of dreams?

like a wave of pure blue ocean 
washing over all my soul 
the saltiness cleansing my wounds 
and self afflictions

like a beam of sun light
as though shot down from them heavens
like a laser 
right into my life
burning the things that hold me down

like a knight who came upon princess
but not one of need
but one of strength
a princess who is already a queen

--

i break my own heart every night 
thinking fallacies that she knows arent true
but i believe them, even beyond my own might
and she sticks around because she has become my glue

i fantasize about her face
about her waist 
about her legs
about her
no thing enters my mind
except her

its like i look up to the stars
but am lost at my existence in the terrestrial 
her presence lifts me beyond my self made prison bars
and sets me on a path to a stable mental
they way she operates is celestial

not a thing compares 
to the high dimples on her cheeks
when she really, really smiles
how is it that out of no where
even though i waited weeks
we will be together for every mile

she is what i have always envied
a beauty, a brain, a humor and a sexy
existence, i love her, i want her, i need her
but why does every second with her go like a blur
i cant get enough, im addicted
my only fix is with who im afflicted
im sick of the world 
and my cure is my girl

support me like a circus acrobat
im swinging back and forth, to and fro
but your always there like a trust fall mat
catching me beyond mental throws

how can i know that she is the one
who i will spend all my days under the sun 
because i fit her and she fits me
because we talk about the future and it always ends with we
she makes my life complete 
like winning a gold medal for an athlete
there is no comparison 
i absolutely love her to no end

im a depressed, PTSD, alcoholic 
but she loves me beyond all of it
she is like a mason building up a foundation
everything she does is making me hyperbolic
like regular person with all the ups and downs
but she is always there in the thick of it
and all i can do is love is love her cause i will never be sick of it

she is brazen and coarse 
all at he same time
she rubs me smooth 
and she always makes me shine

she is beyond her own self worth
if made into gold, she would make the whole world wealthy
its from her that everyone else gives birth
to ideas and ideals that will keep them healthy

she is complex, like a freshly mined diamond
the work to see her beauty 
relies in with person who is willing 
to put the work into to see her brilliance

i love her completely 

i am smitten

i want to end this neatly

so, she fits me like a mitten