Anxious / Avoidant

dealing with depression is something I have become accustomed to, but I'm still not O.K. with. 

   But dealing with it has far more beneficial consequences than not dealing with it. 

yet, there remain things i haven't overcome. for example, my interactions with the female sex. the human gender i find myself enamored with, and appalled by. women are the most beautiful things in this world, and the most confusing. and i find myself in a position which warrants some explanation. 

   i was diagnosed with severe clinical depression with suicidal tendencies. That was three years ago. After a suicide attempt and DUII. all of which led to an exploration of my own mind. where i found out about the things that bother me and the things that give me joy. 

one of the things that gives me joy is being around a woman who is fulfilling, both by being physically attractive and more importantly, by me being able to relate to her. but ...

   here is where the definition of the title comes in. i am avoidant of relationships with any merit, and anxious around any woman i find attractive. this brings me to a stalemate, where finding women — who are open to friendship, but are in a relationship — is what i seek. that kind of woman is safe. that kind of woman can be my friend, but i never risk the potential of being emotionally hurt because an intimate attraction is never possible. 

or so i thought ... 

   i now know that it is impossible to be a single man, with my paradigm of longing to be wanted, to effectively be friends with a woman of whom I am attracted to, who is in a relationship. 

for almost my entire collegiate academic career i have been infatuated with a woman who is the funniest girl i know. but she has also had a boyfriend during all of that time. i thought to myself that i could just be friends with here, but it also happens that she is insanely attractive. i was able to ignore that. until summer break of last year, where we didn't say or text a word to each other. i should have known then ... 

school starts this year, i see her, i avoid her, cause i know what i feel. she has a boyfriend, and i have no business with her while carrying the feelings i do toward her. but she invites me to her table in class, and there is really no possible way to resist. so for the next three months i torment myself with the fact that i am completely fallen for this woman and she is completely committed to another guy. 

so i say to myself ...

just become friends with her boyfriend

yeah right!? ... right?

well i tried anyways. and now with the term over i still haven't told her how i completely feel, but i told her i couldn't be around her anymore cause i have feelings for her. when those feelings are ripping me apart, both by me wanting her to be with me, and by the fact all i do is cause undue stress in her life. 

     it all goes back to the anxious / avoidant title of this blog. i knew from the beginning that i was attracted to her. but i spent the better part of two years fooling myself into thinking that it was a good idea to become friends with here, when all that did was intensify the attraction i have toward her. and really i knew all along it would end like this, because having it end like this is much easier to deal with than if i were to be in a relationship with her and then she decide to leave me. and honestly i would rather deal with this circumstantial emotional pain, than the real pain of breaking ties with someone i love. 

all while single girls, who i am attracted to and outwardly show they are attracted to me, pass me by.

     i don't get myself, how can i pass single girls by — of whom are attractive — while spending my time getting to know a girl in a committed relationship. of which i never want to interrupt. 

i don't know whether to resign myself to being a single man for the rest of my life, living as a hermit, or to step out and risk being hurt emotionally. the obvious answer is to put myself out there, but i some how sabotage myself into falling for a taken woman, before i consider any single women. 

   and it must be said, i have abstained from sex for the better part of four years. one night stands and meaningless sex is a completely different topic. one of which i never wish to venture into again. 

     i know i have feelings for the woman of focus, but i have no wish to cause her anything but joy — which doesn't include home wrecking. and while there are plenty of women i can talk to or entertain the idea of becoming intimate with, i stop myself before i begin. 

thus, is the long winded definition of a male, who is anxious / avoidant toward intimate relationships.