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Welcome to the most awesome show of ignoramus - ness ever known.

i've been places, so what

i seen things, so what

i don't tell anyone

so it doesn't matter

my name is colby brown, but most people in my life call me faggot or douche or crazy.

maybe i am crazy but i don't give a fuck.

my life is jaded from the fact that i can't remember facts. all i remember is perception of facts so i play off other peoples ambition to make a fact known. its like boggle, and i wait till someone says something close to the answer and i end up stealing the real answer before they sound it out.

i've deployed, twice, once to southeast asia the other to afghanistan. i have returned from both but have never really ever felt like returned. i'm just waiting for something to happen. waiting for some kind of outward source to say its alright. but i don't accept shit because i have trust issues. and i don't trust one person, to the first letter of their name.

but back to my life. the current email i use for this blog is spammed full of dating sites and porn sites from how lonely i get and my natural urges. it makes me think to what men did 300 years ago. were that still just as horny?

... or alcoholic?

probably.

but no one cares. the world is ending, so love life to the fullest. except for life isn't ending and no one knows what is means to live life to the fullest.

does it mean indulge in guilty pleasures? does it mean stand up for the trending cause you believe in? does it mean living a life based off nothing more than human nature? ... no one can answer those questions without contradicting themselves. and yet american society lives on. its a phenomenon in and of its self. i hate humanity.

i drink too much. i smoke too much. i fuck too much. i play too much. but i am cognitive whilst i do so. because i want to die. but i don't have the balls to try a real suicide so i go for the subtle cancer or heart disease that will do me in, in 20 years.

i just don't see the point ... of living. i have already accomplished what i wanted out of my life, albeit not to the success i would wish, but success is based off opinion ... which is dead to begin with. opinions. its just a word to mask judgement of yourself.

but i digress. repress. depress. i have been in a state of depressive realism since i was 10 years old. after watching my friend/idol jack of in a tree fort [first time i saw another males penis]. after which i realized that nothing can satisfy, so why live to satisfy. and then i went through a rebellious phase, which i am still going though, that bases its self off the fact if i can't satisfy myself then why should i satisfy others. ... which would explain me being fired from 3 jobs and my eventually expulsion from the Marine Corps. ... i only have 8 months left, but thats is a lot of time for a rebel activist.

i write all of this because you as a reader don't know this about the author. and when i publish my first novel, all of the preceding events established my perspective to create the world in which i can acute unbelievable real scenarios.

hopefully in 5 years time i will have a novel.

... but then again maybe i will get cancer. and be a lost genius in the throngs behind socrates.