into the JUNGLE

so it never fails that i find myself getting to do things everyone around me wants to do but i have no desire of partaking in.
This week i will go to the Jungle Warfare Training Center and play in the jungle with the banana spiders and the snakes for about a week. Sounds exciting and all but i just dont want to. Its like when your buddy tries to get you to go climb on top of the highschool and you dont want but do it anyways. hopefully it is good.
This week was crazy, and i realized that human beings are strange creatures. We can adapt to everything that nature can throw at us physically but our one weakness is when we cant handle something that is mentally challenging. i probably think to much.
Also i hate he military and this time it isnt cause of all the other things i have been bitchin about. this time it is serious. yesterday there was a mass handout of experimental Malaria pills that are supposed to prevent someone from getting the disease in country. Funny thing is i woke up like five times last night from crazy fucking dreams. funny story to go along with that. i woke up this morning to nothing. my alarm didnt go off so i slept in a little. the problem was that sunrises in japan look exactly like sunsets. so i get out of bed and check my wristwatch and it says 7:45. since it was an analog and not digital i didnt know if it was am or pm. so in my mind i am thinking i seriously just slept for 24 hours or more. i put my clothes on as fast as i could and pratically ran to the office i am working in cause i am in the process of building a unit website and i had work to do. i run by someone and they stare at me like i am fucking crazy. i stop and say whats up. His reply "what the fuck are you doing up so early, everyone else is either hungover or sleeping cause of libo last night."
i stare at him with deer in the headlight eyes and my mind races. i look to the horizon and see the sun rising on the wrong side of the sky and the only response i can com up with is "what day is it"
The rest of the day i have been in a shade of what the fuck, i dont even know whats going on.
But back to my original point, fuck the military and their experimental drugs, that shit sent me tripping.
This week should be good though, just as long as i dont get bit by a snake or attacked by a banana spider. have you seen those things, FUUCK! they are mean.
Also a sense of dread has come over me. i dont want to deploy, i dont want to be in the military, i dont want the chance to go to oriental countries, i dont want to go on a ship for four months and i dont want to be here.
What i want is to be enrolled in an art college, taking 36 credits worth of painting a semester, savoring every waking moment, making pottery and selling it at local farmers markets, riding a bike because i am a hippie, having conversations about how everything from politics to gov't is corrupt and enjoying my life.
guess somethings you gotta live through.
i get to distracted by the small things to be in the military.
.....Fuck MRE's. dammit, i just realized i am not going to eat next week cause of those fucking things.

Japan

It's pretty cool to go somewhere where no one knows you and you can make a completely new you. It's cool to drop eveything off at the air terminal and pick out new things in a different country. It is also cool to save what you had and build upon it. I just haven't made the decision yet as to which choice i will choose.
Japan is calming, yeah, sure, there are still sirens and crime and chaotic experiences you can control. But it is definitely different than any street i have walked down in the US. The air is different. you breathe it different. you see the sunset different. you here birds differently. you notice things you wouldnt have back home that make you miss home and you dont know why. One thing that is a tower on the horizon is that it is calm. even the ocean seems calmer. i dont know why. I wouldn't want to live here, im not a theologist or anything of the sort. i would get to bored.
Its amazing that when you are in the military, when you travel nothing really matters other than getting there. I noticed myself barely making time to use the bathroom going from airliner to airliner. Japanese bathrooms are nice. Thats another thing about japan. everything is nice, neat and clean. But i hate not noticing things. I am an observer, if you would, so watching and enjoying the small things like the difference between the people who say thankyou at a airport mart and the people who dont is important to me. Its not really passing judgement as much as it is rationalizing the need to have people who say thank you and the people who dont.
The japanese culture is something America should let culture. I hate it when i see a mcdonalds, or a costco or a home depot in the same place i watch a complete stranger bow inrespect of another stranger just because it is a common courtesy. Americas great and so is mcdonalds but it disgusts me how infecting and virus like the American culture can be.
But anyways, a couple weeks and i will be on my voyage, my journey to the third world. i always thought that phrase was ridiculous, i mean earth is the third planet so third world countires are in the right place and 'first world' countries are on mercury buring alive. A very artistic metphor or supposition but if you think about it, it is completely true. My journey will consist of alot of free time, and alot of hurry ups, and alot of motion. hopefully i dont get seasick.

Secluded Recluse

One week before my first 'deployment' as a Marine. Really it is an exercise where I go from port to port documenting a foreign relation joint operation and get drunk. hopefully i don't touch the booze. booze makes me to honest and really, if i am being honest, i have never been honest in my life, other than when i am drunk. But anywho, one week, not only to prepare for a deployment but to say goodbye to people who i will never see again. Currently at the office i work at there are three people who i consider to be three of four of the only friends i have that live on the same island as me. whats worse is the whole mixed emotion scenario when a life changing situation arises and you know it is coming. mixed emotions like love, hate, grudges and doubt. but hopefully nothing seriously damaging happens to ruin those relationships.  

to my earlier post, i still fucking hate the military but i am over whining about it. i could be way worse off and as i have it now, it being life, it is pretty good. although i am unbelievable lonely. to the point where i day dream about meeting someone who would go out of there way for me. someone other than my immediate family and someone who isnt already married. i have a bad habit of becoming great friends with women i could never be with, but oh well.

i also realized that my efforts in any form or fashion to remedy the problems with my family are for not. they are more fake and crazy than i am. they are impossible. 

I think as i live and become older i have more realizations that putting an effort to change something is useless because you cant change everything and you cant change time. Explaining the part about you cant change everything, people are stubborn but something that is rock solid are ideals and to change an ideal would be the equivalent of what hitler tried to do to the jewish culture. Explaining the part about you cant change time, time changes everything on its own and to its own accord. to change time would be to change the fabric of the universe. and why you would want to change time would be to alter the affects someone's efforts to change something would be. in short the time machine hasnt been invented yet so there for you cant change time. All this makes me unmotivated to do anything and makes me nostalgic for the days when i have five and didnt have to worry about change. not that i remember my childhood o just doubt i was worried about change.

but anyways, i need a girl. somebody i can be vulnerable in front of and not feel embarrassed and not feel judged. basically someone who could love me. that is unlikely though. especially considering i have a tendency to fuck everything up that has the potential to be important to me. thats why i dont care about anything. 

But that is it for this day in Colby's life. heres to you, my none existent audience, whom i love dearly.

First timer

It is crazy how it works. How you can either run as fast as you can or walk as slow as possible but life always keeps at the same tempo. When I realized I should not have been a marine I hadn't even joined yet. But I went through with it anyway. The fact that it was a good choice still stands to be proven wrong. I just wish I could have more control over the simple things that I took for granted when I was a civilian. Like not having to answer to someone every day. Or being able to wake up and choose what I want to do that day, instead of it being chose for me. I can already see the positives of what this experience will give me. Like discipline and the what not's of a military life. I guess I just hate being told what to do. And the fact that the marine corp is a huge egotistical fraternity pisses me off everyday when I wake up. I know some asshole will talk at me like his word is from God himself. But you learn to live with a lot of shit while in the service.

There are more positives then the alternatives though. Every superior has a different way they reached their rank. And with that comes more experience then any civilian could offer. So when a superior comes forward in ernest humility and talks at us from the perspective of a teacher, a whole lot can be learned. 

I have yet to act normal to anyone I know here. It is just funny the way some people react. Some get pissed others just play along. I don't know what it is but messing with people I have hardly an acquaintance with amuses me greatly. 

But there still has yet to be one person to call me out on it.

I still have a great passion towards music. I know it will be what I end up doing someday.  I miss playing. My guitar is a better friend then any I have ever had. Simply put it is just the most simply relationship in which I get the most pleasure. Selfishness really.

This being my first Blog post with no readers kinda makes me chuckle. Its like a diary where I get to write to an imaginary audience.