love life lost to love

 a big trip to Pittsburgh to meet her family and cement my self in her life

a drink wont hurt my chances of making a good impression on her family

we've prepped already, tickets reserved, bags nearly packed 

minds looking forward to the tumultuous greeting 

of family who love the one i love, and likewise 

a drink wont hurt its just a couple days away

i make way for her and she makes way for me

but

she divides a piece of herself 

i drink

cuts it away from herself

i drink

dissects it away from herself 

i drink

for me

but a drink wont hurt

there are too many things going on for people to notice

i drink anyway, because it makes me not hurt

even though when i wake up the hangover hurts my body

it feels good because it stays me from reality

a drink wont hurt her though

she is immune to collateral 

immune to emotional lateral

immune to my 

emotions

but she said im worth it

she said im worth it

she said im worth it!

... she actually said im worth it.

im worth it

what a useless sentence 

unless some one else says it

my existence broken in half

one wants to drink 

into oblivion

one wants to engulf my entire self  

to exist in her

and a small part of me 

wants to die

i havent known love for so long

its not just foreign

its offensive

and she offends me

so, so

often

she picks apart 

the tattered ruins 

of my thoughts

bludgeons through

my deep crept of deceits

and holds my hand 

through the maze of mine own

but a drink wont hurt 

i just need to loosen the wheels

of my ugly 

of my hidden

which roll over 

her head

crushing 

everything she ever did

yet she always rises

zombie like

christ like

to live again

and deep inside 

i know

my run 

is running thin

but i cant forget 

about her 

she dominates me

and even though i welcome it

because i know she is better then me

i just need one more drink

to forget 

everything  

before 

her

Celestial

- how can you describe a feeling that is more complex than words, more complex than complete thoughts, more than the complexity of dreams?

like a wave of pure blue ocean 
washing over all my soul 
the saltiness cleansing my wounds 
and self afflictions

like a beam of sun light
as though shot down from them heavens
like a laser 
right into my life
burning the things that hold me down

like a knight who came upon princess
but not one of need
but one of strength
a princess who is already a queen

--

i break my own heart every night 
thinking fallacies that she knows arent true
but i believe them, even beyond my own might
and she sticks around because she has become my glue

i fantasize about her face
about her waist 
about her legs
about her
no thing enters my mind
except her

its like i look up to the stars
but am lost at my existence in the terrestrial 
her presence lifts me beyond my self made prison bars
and sets me on a path to a stable mental
they way she operates is celestial

not a thing compares 
to the high dimples on her cheeks
when she really, really smiles
how is it that out of no where
even though i waited weeks
we will be together for every mile

she is what i have always envied
a beauty, a brain, a humor and a sexy
existence, i love her, i want her, i need her
but why does every second with her go like a blur
i cant get enough, im addicted
my only fix is with who im afflicted
im sick of the world 
and my cure is my girl

support me like a circus acrobat
im swinging back and forth, to and fro
but your always there like a trust fall mat
catching me beyond mental throws

how can i know that she is the one
who i will spend all my days under the sun 
because i fit her and she fits me
because we talk about the future and it always ends with we
she makes my life complete 
like winning a gold medal for an athlete
there is no comparison 
i absolutely love her to no end

im a depressed, PTSD, alcoholic 
but she loves me beyond all of it
she is like a mason building up a foundation
everything she does is making me hyperbolic
like regular person with all the ups and downs
but she is always there in the thick of it
and all i can do is love is love her cause i will never be sick of it

she is brazen and coarse 
all at he same time
she rubs me smooth 
and she always makes me shine

she is beyond her own self worth
if made into gold, she would make the whole world wealthy
its from her that everyone else gives birth
to ideas and ideals that will keep them healthy

she is complex, like a freshly mined diamond
the work to see her beauty 
relies in with person who is willing 
to put the work into to see her brilliance

i love her completely 

i am smitten

i want to end this neatly

so, she fits me like a mitten

 

the battle

--- it never ends

i can't win 

two opposing forces 

battling within --- 

i bet they talk about you with malicious hate
you're already lost inside, all by yourself
why would they give a fuck about you
you and your worthless pride, pride in something where nothing's left

none of that's true
none of that can be thought through
without the help of a self hate 
built up over years, but somehow you call it fate

what is this? a moment of clarity
a moment of epiphany 
are you magically balanced and feel good inside?
you aren't even looking at your self with any scrutiny
fat, lazy, slobbish, with wistful moments of sobriety 
it's a wonder why you don't realize how much you lie

it's not a lie and maybe i did let go a little
but i want to become the best of me and abandon this self hate riddle
you always speak with pessimism and negativity 
but hope in myself is lit, you're left with my insecurity 

let yourself go a little? 
you're forty pounds over weight, and fat, out-of-breath after a single stair
there is nothing left of you to help, and your hope is a fleeting care
all these feelings are just awash 
you'll be back inside a bottle, a complete and utter loss
look at all the things you've wasted and ignored
hope isn't something you know how to explore
love from romances? 
you went after lust and wasted it
family ties and relationships? 
you wall them off and never let in enough to have wasted it
friends and experiences? 
you hypercritical dickhead, you can't simply be there to experience it
you're always in your head
living in comfort with your mental safety blanket of dread
you're living the life you know you want 
empty, alone, drunk, with nothing left of yourself but a smoking, tarry cigarette butt 

you think you're a mammoth of truth, speaking from reality

but your foundation is built on a sandy streambed, filled in after a storm

you call things the way you see them, but you're lost in an asylum of self-pity insanity

call yourself whomever you want, but all you are, is a hateful little worm

i can build myself up 

i can become the man i should have been

i can create a life where i'm not ashamed

you glean off my guilt and glutton off my misery 

but you won't need to trip on yourself, your sandy foundation will turn your mammoth negativity

to stone

you're such a naïve fool
you hate yourself, your life and no longer care how far you've come unspooled
you wish you were dead and abandoned 
fuck that, you'll abandon yourself and blame others as a stand-in
you're weak backed, with no real strength
you couldn't even let yourself to win an easy game of roulette
you're not strong enough to give up
you're so damn small, you parasitize off others who want to help
giving them barely enough so they feel obliged to tell you everything will all be ok
but secretly, you don't care, you'll use them up and then run away
but i cant really blame you
the only thing you're really good at is drinking
and face it, that's what your doing now, right? is drinking...

but i want to change

but i want to live

but i want to have this life, even with all the battles, i still lived

you may be right 

i think of killing myself nearly every damn night

but that's a battle i'm winning

proof is there, i'm still here right?

you always force things into black and white

its all-and-everything, or nothing-at-all

you can't even accept failing is just another opportunity to stand up after a fall

you're weightless and pointless, with every ounce of you

because every ounce of you is a weight i keep dragging behind me

you're a false reality with self hatred as its muse

only left with insults of extravagant and exaggerated wasted time in the mental sea

when really you haven't left the dock of internalized, imagined self pity

you're so fucking dumb, you don't even know you've done this before, and you're nearly done
you get all hyped about a new thing
hyper focus and go all in
only to burn out, fizzle over and end up one step closer to who you've always been
a drunk burn out, who deserves nothing but the clothes on your back 
it's questionable if you deserve that
i wont tell you to kill yourself cause we both know you're too weak for that
but let's be honest, you self-sabotage just enough 
just enough to get comfortably situated back in your self-made misery
then complain, bitch and moan; and guess what?
the time is coming when no one will want to help you
you will be so far lost in delirium that you will think i'm a real person talking to you
yelling at me while piss drunk, leaning on a tree, at six in the morning
let's be honest, you have done it before 
you unstable
worthless peice of shit
self enigmatic 
narcissistic parasite 
call yourself of man
call your self anything you can
but its inevitable
you're wasted and not enough of you is left for use at a junkyard
and be honest, you're so cynical you laugh 
at this corny, expansive, excusive display of chaff
a false cry for help
you just want to someone to care until you don't care anymore
fill that gasbag head of yours, float so high 
only to let go, hoping you die
cause you cant do it yourself
just call the cops
make a fake bomb threat 
rush them 
and die

you're a broken jumble of reactionary, emotional outrage

you want things easy

misery is always made out to be difficult and miserable

but it's your easy choice because you wallow inside its protective finery

protected from your lack of control

protected from every required action to becoming something more

protected from letting go of each-and-every single ounce of hurt held so dear

you describe everything as though its mapped and explored

yet you're the one who quilled the lines of made up boundaries 

boundaries of self made statehood

statehood from which every territory you incorporate is made up of more 

more and more resplendent ideas of grandiose, romanticized self hate

hate is all you are and all you have

have that hate and give to me all of it you can

can self hate thrive in a stoic man

if i have white skin covering my knuckles

if i smell like a distillery, in delirium, at the break of dawn

if i unspool into a knotted mess strewn along the ground

at least i spoke to your true reality

you are self hatred 

me be done with thee, without being done with me

fuck you, you'll be back
let me count the seconds
oh wait, what was that?

--- crack, hiss, fizzle, the gas escapes from the seams of a beer can. start the cycle again. ---

 

   

 

She

I poke
I prod
I make the effort be alive
... to her

but my query in the search engine is blank
i have no answers

other than i love her

how can someone so foolish
who pushed away the one they love
bring it back to life

how can a man explain
that the choices made
were in vain

to himself.

at the precipice of being able to trust
i backed away
instead of jumped.

now i feel the wind of regret
beating my face with the memories
of what i felt
for you

i mourn my decicsion
as if it was my own death
because without her, without she
without you
i really am dead.

there is no
there can be no
there will never be no
for you
... except your answer to me

broken is having been damaged by something
but without you
i am shattered
like a glass cup dropped on the ground
there is nothing that could ever fill me up
as much as her
as much as she did

she is the definition of a woman
she is what i think about
she is who i want to be with
she is who i love

but
i threw that away
due to self doubt
and an inability to see
that she could make me
whole
that she
is the one
that she
is forever
my only one
and i destroyed that
to remain in my own
self doubting
solace of
isolation.

i am in love and will for always be in love with
she

Pain

the rain of little needles on your skin,

      after falling on shards of glass.

the searing jarr of a blade against your neck.

the aftermath of a slice from a piece of paper,

      between your fingers.

the crush, after being rid of by your crush.

the hardening and crumbling, 

      after being left by the one you love.

the point blank range.

the hollow barrel, up to a bullet,

      cocked loaded, but never goes off.

the searing, sizzling of your own flesh; 

      in a circle around the temple.

the emptiness of life alone.

the unseen fortitude of those who have ...

... pain.

no one likes to talk about it. 

no one likes to bring it up. 

no one likes to face it. 

but anyone who denies it is a fool. 

Pain is what connects us all. not joy. not happiness. not being loved. but pain. 

As a human race, and as the dominant species of the planet, we have done a fuck all job of up-keeping the only source of life we know we have in the universe. and because of our arrogance we now face challenges not from our own trivial turmoils of race, ethnicity and property; but we now face nature. and as we try as we might, we will never stop the bleaching of corral reefs, the wildfire of forest, or the extinction of species. 

which brings me to a point. Humans inherently have a self importance that allows such a dominion over all of earth. but from the bible, to the koran, to secular evolutionary theories. -- human dominion is conceptually not true. we have no control over anything in the form of natural disasters. Just go to www.darpa.mil and see that any attempt to control the world has ended in failure. Read the bible or the koran and see that historically, we have no dominion. 

all we have, together as a human race, is pain. we think we know everything. we think we know the solution, we egomaniacally apply ourselves to the world around us. with no forethought. and thus we cause ourselves pain. 

as a human race we can't even stop to recognize that the earth is on a tilt toward the sun; which creates all of the habitable places on earth. and the simple fact that we have rocketed off countless objects and numerous nuclear explosives have off-place that tilt beyond equilibrium. and since, we have been running from natural disaster, to natural disaster looking for a cause.  

when we are the cause... we are the cause of our own pain. 

we cause each others pain

we cause ourselves pain

we cause our progeny pain 

This isn't a hippy plea: When have you gone a day without judging someone else based off their beliefs?

all from the arrogance of thinking we're some how special in this vast universe. It makes me think of some bible verse that correlates to "man was made in the image of God." When a simple sock is made in the image of man. no human can or ever will understand what or who God is. God, in all respects of religion, has a characteristic of love the resounds among every single community of faith. but to center that love only on humanity is a farce. and is selfish. so too is to say you understand God's love. no one does. including the writer of this post.

no one is special. we are all equivocally independent. meaning ... no one is more different than the other. you are born, you are, and then you die; just like everyone else. no one needs or deserves a special label.  

Thus is arrogance + ignorance at its core. and is what is , its driving the human race six feet under. 

why i chose not to be black

first a story ... from real life

when i was in the marine corps, i lived in the barracks. my first roommate (and only roommate i had) was a black guy by the last name Alexander (first name omitted cause he is cool). he joined open contract and ended up in the postal section. for those of you who don't know, military base post offices are ran by military service. with that, every single thing you can think of is ran by military on a military base, but the only difference is the uniform.

But anyways, I lived with Alexander for about a year. and they guy was awesome. during field day (mandatory weekly cleaning) he would cover for me if I had to work. he continually asked me to go to barbecues and parties with him, but i had to decline due to my job (combat correspondent). he was awesome. he listened to a lot of lil wayne, which is one of the reasons why i got into lil wayne.

But then, I met a guy who was visiting, who also happened to be a spouse of a coworker, and we had something in common ... drinking and pool. so this guy comes to pick me up at the barracks, and i had just finished a shower. I had beers in the fridge so i text, come to my room and chill with my roommate. beers are in the fridge.

I walk out of the bathroom half clothed to find my roommate and my guest starring each other to the ground. While i finish dressing, they speak words at each other. and then i hear ....


"Boy, what work do you do, boy? did you work on a farm, boy? what, you don't like to have a white man talk to a colored boy like that, boy? you want to do something about it colored boy?"


at that time i ushered my guest out of our room, closed the door, and we went to the bar. it is also at that time i realized that racism still exists. i feel guilt for not standing up for my roommate, but my guest was also 100 pounds heavier than me, pure muscle. but the experience is still fresh whenever i interact with someone of color. after that my roommate requested to move rooms, and i deployed.

needless to say, my naivety about racism was squashed at that moment.

that's why, when i was in my mother's embryonic sack, i decided to be white. for the privileges ... oh yeah, thats right. it was never a choice.

I never understood racism. just like now, i don't understand homophobia or choice of religion, or choice of ideals. I, as an individual, never have had any impact on whether someone was black, or gay, or muslim. so being adamantly against something against my beliefs doesn't make logical sense. i can do nothing about it.

for the record, i am christian. and i believe the bible. and i believe jesus is my savior. but a strong belief i hold that goes along with the bible is that no man can condemn another. which leads me to be confounded by present day politics about essentially everything.

how can someone say that something, someone else is doing, is wrong, when no one in the history of man has ever conquered the golden idiom of love your neighbor as you love yourself? the only one to do that was jesus, but even he was god sent as man.

so, i am still confused to the history of man. how can hate perpetually exist if the ideals that every sect of human is the pursuance of good. how can racism still exist with the vast amount of scientific knowledge. why aren't racist technically accurate and becoming activist against ape sanctuaries (which would make scientific sense because all humans are 99 percent genetically alike but apes are like 97 percent a like or whatever). nothing really makes sense.

but at least, when both of my white parents conjugated to make me, i had the choice to become a white male in america. otherwise, id be screwed.

Why I applied to go to Mars

If someone asked me if I wanted a one way trip to Mars, I would say yes. This has been my mind set for more than 10 years. And if I'm really being honest; ever since I can remember.

Before I exude my wanting to leave this planet for another, let me trace some history.

NASA photo

... a pop, then a spark. followed by the crackle of flames hungrily eating away a half charcoaled log of pine. the scent of a campfire wafts through the air surrounding the light produced by the fire. small, still-red-hot pieces of ash drift into the air. following the ghostly outline of smoke trailing up high into the air.

   beside the fire, a small, blonde headed kid looks up. the nape of his neck rests on the back of his chair and his neck sprains backward. he squints as he shines a flashlight through the smoke. He traces the trail of spent carbon as far as he can with the light from his electric candle. until it feels like he is shining his light on the stars themselves. then he shuts off his flashlight. he gazes at the massive quantity of small, but definable little dots in the sky. he wonders whats up there, and what it would be like to wander up there.

NASA photo

I'm a romantic. I like theatrics when they can be enjoyed by all. and one thing that has continued to be romantic to me has been looking at the stars. trying to count them with a encircled hand up to my eye. trying to spot a satellite passing by. or even, on a good night, the slower moving international space station. it's a pure passion. the indefinite amount of view from a dark, clear sky into the abyss makes everything else fall away. It's like looking into the eyes of a woman i'm in love with. it's romance.

I have, and always will be, enamored with the stars. with space. with the unknown. the only 'terrestrial' thing equivalent is actually aquatic, at the bottom of the ocean. But I can't stare at the bottom of the ocean.

NASA photo

I want to know whats up there. not in any real tangible sense. Like extraterrestrial life, or different ecosystems of different planets, or even the simple question of is there anything else out there. I want to know whats up there in the sense of going to a new city, and walking around just to look at stuff. in the sense of going to a neighborhood you've never been to and checking out everybody's front lawns. everybody's home. how they make it their home. just to look at it. like driving by lights on Christmas eve.

The question of would you leave everything behind for an unnguaranteed trip to the unknown comes up whenever i talk about this. and yes, i would. i would leave the possibility of being in a successful band. the microscopic chance that the woman im in love with would want me back. the future experiences with my family and friends. any and all of the unknown that life on this planet has to offer. i would leave.

it isn't out of any circumstantial, environmental, emotional, or psychological escape. because in my mind, i wouldn't be escaping. i would be traveling to the most unknown, the most uncertain experience my life could ever have the chance to offer. and that is too beautiful a thing to pass up.

NASA photo

if there is ever one materialistic, human-made thing i witness in my life the really means anything, i hope its space travel. and successful travel to mars. and i will always dream of being a direct and immediate part of it.

Anxious / Avoidant

dealing with depression is something I have become accustomed to, but I'm still not O.K. with. 

   But dealing with it has far more beneficial consequences than not dealing with it. 

yet, there remain things i haven't overcome. for example, my interactions with the female sex. the human gender i find myself enamored with, and appalled by. women are the most beautiful things in this world, and the most confusing. and i find myself in a position which warrants some explanation. 

   i was diagnosed with severe clinical depression with suicidal tendencies. That was three years ago. After a suicide attempt and DUII. all of which led to an exploration of my own mind. where i found out about the things that bother me and the things that give me joy. 

one of the things that gives me joy is being around a woman who is fulfilling, both by being physically attractive and more importantly, by me being able to relate to her. but ...

   here is where the definition of the title comes in. i am avoidant of relationships with any merit, and anxious around any woman i find attractive. this brings me to a stalemate, where finding women — who are open to friendship, but are in a relationship — is what i seek. that kind of woman is safe. that kind of woman can be my friend, but i never risk the potential of being emotionally hurt because an intimate attraction is never possible. 

or so i thought ... 

   i now know that it is impossible to be a single man, with my paradigm of longing to be wanted, to effectively be friends with a woman of whom I am attracted to, who is in a relationship. 

for almost my entire collegiate academic career i have been infatuated with a woman who is the funniest girl i know. but she has also had a boyfriend during all of that time. i thought to myself that i could just be friends with here, but it also happens that she is insanely attractive. i was able to ignore that. until summer break of last year, where we didn't say or text a word to each other. i should have known then ... 

school starts this year, i see her, i avoid her, cause i know what i feel. she has a boyfriend, and i have no business with her while carrying the feelings i do toward her. but she invites me to her table in class, and there is really no possible way to resist. so for the next three months i torment myself with the fact that i am completely fallen for this woman and she is completely committed to another guy. 

so i say to myself ...

just become friends with her boyfriend

yeah right!? ... right?

well i tried anyways. and now with the term over i still haven't told her how i completely feel, but i told her i couldn't be around her anymore cause i have feelings for her. when those feelings are ripping me apart, both by me wanting her to be with me, and by the fact all i do is cause undue stress in her life. 

     it all goes back to the anxious / avoidant title of this blog. i knew from the beginning that i was attracted to her. but i spent the better part of two years fooling myself into thinking that it was a good idea to become friends with here, when all that did was intensify the attraction i have toward her. and really i knew all along it would end like this, because having it end like this is much easier to deal with than if i were to be in a relationship with her and then she decide to leave me. and honestly i would rather deal with this circumstantial emotional pain, than the real pain of breaking ties with someone i love. 

all while single girls, who i am attracted to and outwardly show they are attracted to me, pass me by.

     i don't get myself, how can i pass single girls by — of whom are attractive — while spending my time getting to know a girl in a committed relationship. of which i never want to interrupt. 

i don't know whether to resign myself to being a single man for the rest of my life, living as a hermit, or to step out and risk being hurt emotionally. the obvious answer is to put myself out there, but i some how sabotage myself into falling for a taken woman, before i consider any single women. 

   and it must be said, i have abstained from sex for the better part of four years. one night stands and meaningless sex is a completely different topic. one of which i never wish to venture into again. 

     i know i have feelings for the woman of focus, but i have no wish to cause her anything but joy — which doesn't include home wrecking. and while there are plenty of women i can talk to or entertain the idea of becoming intimate with, i stop myself before i begin. 

thus, is the long winded definition of a male, who is anxious / avoidant toward intimate relationships.   

history and politics

shame
regret 

they aren't the same

but politics and history are

power makes money, but money does not make power 

a.k.a Hillary Clinton vs Donald Trump

this is the setup of failing america
broken states, making up a broken country
making up a broken national community

faggots, niggers, bible thumpers, weak women, illegal mexicans, terrorists, muslims, male white privilege, etc.

   These hot words, trigger words, are used to cause conflict in mass media. not to offend as they were originally used in american history. these words need to become definition-less. they are words. not actions. not stereotypes. words. and the fact that they command such a response means the definitions of these words are being manipulated to mean much more than they actually do. 

words are air, mixed with vibration. actions act on reality. one of those means much more in a life and death situation. complacency makes them equal. 

political and historical change happen at the same time. 

and generational 'hot words' correlate with each major generational change. 
... this generation's hot words are more diverse than ever. 
mimicking that of roman, old english, old french, and old british empires. 
all of which fell at a correlation point, where society was most 'triggered,'

america offends itself daily; america eats itself alive daily. the most similar empire by comparison is the roman empire. and also by comparison, america is on the verge of collapse. or more accurately, the american society is collapsing. 

the identity of america, and americans, does not exist. you are your heritage; irish, german, african, asian, whatever ... but never just american. while these are just words, they are an affect of illicit segregation. created by an environment where regular use of 'hot words,' are the instigation of segregation.  

why can't americans identify with each other like other countries do? 
why can't american mean, currently an american citizen, instead of the requirement of putting a modifier in front of it like irish or african. especially when almost every ancestry, with the exception of native american, has resided in north america for the same amount of time. 

because hot words, used by politicians, applied to history, to make you think that identifying as a nation ruins your individuality. when it doesn't. it creates a community of individuality. of which america needs. 

dramatic eccentricities

i am alone

I long for things

not for myself

but for life

like unity

like justice

like compassion

but those things

are for not

i find myself 

in a hatred between 

myself

and all others

and i find no 

place

for that

killing myself 

i have tried

and i found 

it fruitless

because death has no fruit

it has no reality

so I live 

to bring reality

to those who live

It is simple

exist and you are

exist no more and you aren"t 

until God sees fit 

but while existing

love with the utmost ability 

like Jesus 

until you are unfit 

and then die

love is the only undeniable 

truth of Christ 

and if you aren"t

BLIND

it is the only 

truth 

of 

this 

age

love

as Jesus love the 

harlot

love as Jesus love 

faggot

love as Jesus love 

the politicians 

and peace 

will 

find you

Republican vs. Democrat

i think Trump will win. 

i think Hillary will win. 

I'm not gonna vote.

... there's a presidential Election!?

Politics, its an outdated subject. When the world wasn't at your fingertips, as it is now, but it was at an eye's glance; when it was actually important to see someone talk in person, because if you didn't, you missed it for all eternity...that's when politics were important.  

Now, though, even if someone is on a cruise in New Zealand, they will have Wifi access to watch some trivial political debate in D.C. 

Times have changed since the constitution of the United States of America was written. people care, about trivial things, and don't care about the important things. The generation of now, which consumes every person with a cell phone, has lost the ability to see into the long term. beg you, i'll show an example:

native american genocide 

or ...

conquest of an unconquered land?

You could say that America was the last place on earth to be conquered by shear brutality. Or, it was only the beginning of a new reign of injustice... by force was the way, both by europeans and native americans, and europeans won. given, europeans had just stepped away from a battle of which resembled that of the native americans... i presume to say conquest of an unconquered land. 

the statement above is definitely offensive, but not untrue. both by opinion and by fact. never so has a continent been so invaded by an outward force after the americas. 

so ... where does this leave politics?

well, the written rule for everything in D.C. (a.k.a. american politics) was mandated at that time, or before that time. which was the last great conquest on earth. no other continent since has been overtaken. so ... why do we abide by the same rules as before. 

power of thought ... so maybe, just maybe, a new reign of injustice has began for those whose ancestors were the last 'conquistadors.' 

prose

breaking and shattering
are the things
done best
in a world where
the formed and molded
strive
and create.

consistent

 I sit here with a blanket over one shoulder and a digital screen looking back at me. There are crackers and water on my desk along with a blank canvas and paints to mix. The paint brushes look at me with a sense of loneliness. USB cords wander about the desktop. A computer mouse sits freely near the edge. And I stay, behind the screen, perpetually the user.

I am the scraps of a wrapper. The contents of me are inflated with advertisement. made up of the only thing a person can own, imagination. Even if that imagination is the essence of reality. I cover the substance that I advertise, but yet I still have no knowledge of what I am. Goldfish crackers I can relate to but people ...

Am I a broken mold of American society. People can relate, but can't empathize. Daily relations show me in a light foreign to my own perspective. I am nothing, yet when I am introduced I am something. I have no self sustaining mechanism. similar to first world power grids. i rely on a feeding of natural resources from my environment. yet i am told i am normal. so as humans, do we only feed. breaking the chain of predation to create the consumer.

i am tired.

of being.

yet i long for a sense of acceptance.

this conundrum is what creates my self awareness.


if i had the power i would ask humanity to take a step backward. to look at history. to look at consequence. to look at the essence of reality that they live in. and i would ask 'What for?' what do you do that for. what do you love for.  what do you live for.

pondering these questions is a habit. chronologically i place each answer in order. from my own experience. and i realize the fruitless endeavor. that being searching for truth, when truth is subjective.

really, the only thing i want. what i want. is someone to share my perspective with. who doesn't hesitate to share back to mother perspective. aka a girlfriend.

Easter Sunday

I'm the sound guy on the revered day.

a girl

for brevity's sake, i'm the only one who will know who i am talking about so i will use her name. Emile. not her last name though cause that would be pretty uncourteous. 

But i met her through an online dating website. we hung out a couple times. spent some intimate time together. and now she is on her way to different things. but she gave me one thing that most are afraid to give themselves, and that is honesty. 

the time we spent together was short. and i wouldnt say she became overly fond of me. but to be fair, her plate is full with life and taking on a new person with baggage enough to fill the cargo hold of a 747 would be in abundance of ignorant ambition. 

i see her every where i go, though. i think about her. i dream about her. i wouldnt say im in love with her. but then, i wouldnt say i have a complete understanding of what it is to be in love. she didnt meet what i had set as my standards for the type of girl i want. 

but that is the exact reason she attracts me so much. 

she is unapologetically fierce in expressing who she is and what she wants. at least she was with me. there were no eggs to be stepped on around her. her ambitions drove her to carry an ambivalence toward the things that had nothing to do with her goals. yet she let her natural impulses drive her day to day. she was real. and she was honest. 

i wont go into detail about her personal life, or any real details about her other than what i shared. but she gave me what i have been wanting so badly. objective honesty. albeit, her opinionated personality could sometimes plow right over me. but in the end i knew it was honest. honest from her view. 

i told her my story. the things i have done. suicide and everything. and instead of offering a tit to suckle on and swaddling me, she held out her hand and gave mine a firm shake. its weird to state it that way. but i think its metaphorically accurate. 

due to life, she has asked me to cease and desist contact. of which feels similar to amnesia. i feel like i finally remembered something but forgot it again. and of course i dont want her to exit my life. but i dont think i am in a position to tell people how to live their own life when mine consists going from one stepping stone to the next. so i must abide. even though i want nothing but to be around her. 

but in the short time i spent with her, she has influenced me greatly. i look up to her. i want more people like her to fall into my life, just as she did. and i want to be able to give people what she gave me. 

its weird to think about relationships. you pick a person, and then you spend time with them. you could pick anybody in the world, but you end up picking the same type of people to surround yourself with. Emile wasnt the type of person i surround myself with. but she is exactly what i wanted. and although she doesnt want to continue the relationship we had, in the short time we got to know each other she made a honest impression on me. and a valid and verifiable change has taken place in my perspective of how i interact with people.  

and i am taking what she gave to me. i guess, a life lesson about how to breath honesty in the same air where other people may be breathing courteousness or manners. im not saying im going to run around with my middle finger in the air. 

im just saying that the honesty Emile gave me was freshening. although some what cold, it let me experience the brisk mental feeling of clarity of thought. like she respected me enough to tell me what she really thought instead of telling me what she thought i needed to hear. 

and honestly, i miss her already.