love life lost to love

 a big trip to Pittsburgh to meet her family and cement my self in her life

a drink wont hurt my chances of making a good impression on her family

we've prepped already, tickets reserved, bags nearly packed 

minds looking forward to the tumultuous greeting 

of family who love the one i love, and likewise 

a drink wont hurt its just a couple days away

i make way for her and she makes way for me

but

she divides a piece of herself 

i drink

cuts it away from herself

i drink

dissects it away from herself 

i drink

for me

but a drink wont hurt

there are too many things going on for people to notice

i drink anyway, because it makes me not hurt

even though when i wake up the hangover hurts my body

it feels good because it stays me from reality

a drink wont hurt her though

she is immune to collateral 

immune to emotional lateral

immune to my 

emotions

but she said im worth it

she said im worth it

she said im worth it!

... she actually said im worth it.

im worth it

what a useless sentence 

unless some one else says it

my existence broken in half

one wants to drink 

into oblivion

one wants to engulf my entire self  

to exist in her

and a small part of me 

wants to die

i havent known love for so long

its not just foreign

its offensive

and she offends me

so, so

often

she picks apart 

the tattered ruins 

of my thoughts

bludgeons through

my deep crept of deceits

and holds my hand 

through the maze of mine own

but a drink wont hurt 

i just need to loosen the wheels

of my ugly 

of my hidden

which roll over 

her head

crushing 

everything she ever did

yet she always rises

zombie like

christ like

to live again

and deep inside 

i know

my run 

is running thin

but i cant forget 

about her 

she dominates me

and even though i welcome it

because i know she is better then me

i just need one more drink

to forget 

everything  

before 

her

Breaking

When you notice something, you usually do a double take to make sure you saw what you saw. so when you notice something about your past how do you do a double take on something thats already happened. 


In About four months i shall exit the military. for me it's not so much an event as it is a duty fulfilled. its like i did this for personal reasons i haven't really told many people so finishing won't be like a graduation. i'd really like just to walk away. move on. with a hope that not every organization is centered around ego. 


College will be my goal after i get out. where and what for i still haven't decided. but near the ocean is a must and i'll more than likely study something i won't use when i graduate. but its more about doing something completely different than what i have been doing for the last four years. i'd like to think academics is very different from military. 


I don't know how it will work but ill figure something out. i just want to be able to do what i want, when i want, to the extent of being successful. not held to reins by uniformed service. be able to fail with out the looming existence of being something different just cause i signed a piece of paper. 


maybe i will learn some stuff to. 


Relationships suck. from friendships to intimate shit. i'm just no good at them. mostly from selfishness. and not in the sense of 'i want to do what i want to do all the time' and 'its my way or the highway.' but i act in a way that i think i wouldn't get upset by. when really i have a high tolerance for stupid shit cause i think its funny. and i do a lot of stupid shit. but most people don't like stupid shit. cause its 'immature.' and also i just don't think about other people. i've found it to be a waste unless i am deliberately trying to do something nice or i want to be better toward them. so i often back myself in to a corner of 'fuck you' and 'whats wrong with you.' When i never would have given some situations a second thought. 


but i don't think i will ever change. i've had trust broken and broken trust enough to know that all relationships are derived from a selfish subconscious want of being accepted or some sort of validation for existence. i've never experienced a one sided relationship. in the sense of i will do this and thats, that. there is always i will do this then hold an expectation of getting something in return. whether it be material, or a certain feeling. everyone always wants more from relationships. 


I'm even worse at intimate relationships. more for the reason of me being a prick. but i want what isn't there, when whats there in the first place is what i wanted from the beginning. and also i'm a liar. a compulsive liar. not to cover things up. but to make myself feel confident enough to be comfortable around a girl i know likes me. its weird. but thinking about how i screw shit up is the main part of how i spend my thoughts. 


i guess, in reality i just need to get over myself. but i don't really know how to do that. I've given becoming a hermit, in a log cabin, on a remote property somewhere, some thought and it seems a thousand times easier than getting over myself. 


Or i could move to a different country where the language difference would save me a lot of heart ache. 


Noticing the bad things is what i am good at. in complete honesty, i don't see anything positive in myself. and that transfers over to a lot of things. but mainly i concentrate  on how bad i am and compare myself to other people to see how i could be better if i acted like that. which sounds kinda like a sociopath. but i wouldn't be surprised. 


Maybe its the fact that i am older, maybe its the fact that i can tell most the people in my life just tolerate me, or maybe its the fact that i am completely wrong about everything. but who i am now isn't who i wanted to be four years ago. and turing back would be against how i want to live my life. so finding out how to be a completely different person will more than likely be what i do for the next four years of my life. 


Thats what life is about, making rash decisions and dealing with them for the rest of your life.